Lately I have started to feel real alone again. There is this inherent sorrow which never goes away. Sometimes am haunted by bad thoughts. This state of mind is driving me crazy. It’s really very depressing and negative. May be am not busy enough that makes my mind wander into the mud of negativity. But when I think of identity that defines me. Is this my identity? Is it this sad?
Sometimes I think about going on that lonely road. The voyage no one ever dared to be up for. The path that is the hardest. The success that takes more pain than any. But why do I imagine it that way? May be because I want to feel something real. May be because I have become numb to the life around me. May be because I am just a hollow drum who thinks that only pain can fill it in.
I have seen people live their lives not thinking much about what they are, what will happen or why they are supposed to be here. Those people are happy and now I can see why. Life isn’t supposed to be this structured. It’s more like a gamble. You can either play along like it is what it is or question that it simply can’t be this way and sit in disbelief watching while someone else gambles your money out. And then you realize that your time is over. The chance gone!
May be life has a meaning but it doesn’t provide with a map. May be we all have a purpose and may be not all of those are purposeful. But what if all this is a mere illusion like those religious texts say. Is it worth doing anything at all then? Is it worth serving the purpose then? What if we die reach heaven and find its illusion all over again? What is real then? Is there any reality at all? What are we supposed to do here? What is my identity here? Why is this existence?
There are questions. There are questions. There are billions of questions and I find myself trapped in them. I feel lost in a giant vacuum of uncertainty and darkness. It’s very lone out here. There are no faces, there is no light, there is no help, there is no sound but there is sorrow. A void filled with deep inherent grave sorrow.
May be I should shut my mind and listen to what one of my teachers used to say “Don’t take life seriously. Take it sincerely.” May be it’s not the answer to my questions but may be it’s the escape from this sorrow.