Sunday, February 8, 2009

Trust, belief...all is shit

Sometime back my friend, in a conversation, asked me not to fall in trusting people every time. But i can't help it. All the 21 years of my life i have believed that no matter how bad a person might seem to be, but somewhere inside in the rearmost corners of the heart there is a good person waiting to come out and be what it truly is.
I cannot lie i have been literally fucked by this believe so many times that i cannot count. And the thing about these so called friends is that when they fuck you they make it appear like a trivial issue but when you fuck them, they will blow it out of proportions and make a hell out of it.

Not a long time ago i shared some personal information with one of my friend and he screwed it all so bad behind my back that instead of him, i was asked all the questions about the things i never knew about. Well though the matter was really trivial this time but why the hell in the whole goddamn world you have a problem with what i am doing in my personal life and that too when it has nothing to do with you. Well the best thing for me was to ignore and i did it but people just don't seem to stop. No matter how many times i ignore the issues but i know that every damn thing you do changes everything. But people are much more egoist, cynic and selfish than i believe them to be. They just don't care and yeah here is a goddamn fool sitting who doesn't understand anything...who just tends to believe that people are good in heart. I've got sick of this thing...every time...

I am not here with noble ideas to make the world any better a place...all i can do is try to be a better person the way i know what better is. And when i expect something from people it's only because i am human. But if this is what it takes every time then i guess i have had enough. May be there is no good in being good.

Sunday, February 1, 2009


Sometimes when no one is around and i am all alone, i get a little uncomfortable. I am not sure whether i feel sad or lonely neither i have been able to understand the reason behind it. May be i miss something or may be i miss being someone i was, once.
May be i miss being the child who finds comfort in holding his mothers hand tightly while sleeping on her lap. May be i feel i am not loved as much as i was once...hmmm...yes i definitely feel that sometimes.
But whatever it is, it disturbs me a lot and that too to intolerable extent and then i restore to calling dear ones and old friends and have a really long conversation about things all other than my feelings. I guess when it comes to emotions, i am not really strong enough, so i try to hide all of them behind my stoic face, which has never revealed much, and with my voice which always sounds sleepy and dull.
Well...for me its easy to do that but not always. Sometimes things just don't get over that easily and its really worse when you don't even know what it is. Eventually it occurs that every man has a breaking point and i have one too...though pretty far but once am there am all loose and staggering.
But whatever at the end of the day i do know who i am, i do know i am good friend to people who would never find out, i do know am all but fake, hopefully a good son and brother and i do know there are people who need me someway or the other. This gives me a little courage and a bigger meaning in life. And with all the blessings i do know sooner or later i will get over everything.