Things I Learned After College

Dreams have shattered, life has hit rock bottom, once floating in the air with wings, i have passed out of college and living in a real world.

People say college days are the best days of life, i cannot agree more to any other fact but this that it is a lie. College days are unreal days, where you make friends, spend your parents money, study when you feel like and watch a lot of tv series and movies and still you get away with good grades.

The first thing that i learned after getting out was that i am not as smart as i thought and there are a lot of people willing to do good work. And i would only be lucky if i manage to compete them.

Second thing i learned was that people, a lot of people, are working for their dreams and they are persistent enough to make them true. I used to think i would get out and do the work i want. I wanted to dictate life on my terms. Well usually that does not happen, you have to struggle and that is true. The saying that there is no substitute to hard work is indeed true.

Third, experience matters. You may be brilliant but you forget to account the uncertainties that cloud the practical world. You have to learn to deal with them and you learn them by experience only.

Fourth, money may not be real but it is important and it is really hard to get. You really have to prove yourself to be worthy of the money because the men paying you have also proved themselves and they just can't let their money just slip into your hands.

Fifth, setbacks are important. If you do find yourself lacking at anything, at any point of time, it is an opportunity to better yourself. It is a gap that has to be filled to bring more confidence in you.

Sixth, once you are out there, amongst the other people, surrounded by them, competing with them, you just cannot give up. There is no hope not even a glimmer if you do give up.

Be Where You Belong

I fight sometimes. It’s not a moral, ethical, physical war but it’s more of a virtual war in manifestation. Thoughts overtaking thoughts like one predator eating another. Who knows who prey is? Who knows who will survive? But more often than not, when the battle is in distressed human mind, which often is the case, negativity conquers.

Am aroused by the feeling of well being and happiness sometimes. Such an overwhelm is real, i have felt it. Such an energy has potential effects of positive behavioral changes in and around the self created aura of thoughts within the mind. But i suppose that the state of mind is like a teetering board balanced on a rope, always in unstable equilibrium, ready to take fall or like the fluid ready to take another shape occupying a new vessel every now and then. Just a push is what keeps it from what it could get to be. Apparently each and every one of us has a way out of this situation to find the play ground which we are comfortable playing on. Everyone has an inherent stable world, which in some cases itself is unstable. But one knows how to deal with it and how to get there.

My mind works something like that. I need a space like a blank notepad staring at me wanting me to express, telling me to express, screaming at me to express. Possibly i need to smoke out all the vapours and fumes and let them condense in the pages to let go and leave me to what i have to be, to what i am. Possibly finding the right words to the right emotions and let them manifest in some form is what frees me to my playground. But how often do i do it is something that troubles me.

Once someone told me that a human being is made up of happiness and so in order to be in resonance with the rest of the world one should smile and radiate bliss. If you go against ever changing nature you suffer with agony and pain. Well going by my experiences, i don't know if you find hidden treasures by smiling but you do suffer the agony if you go against the nature and try to forcefully restrain it. We should not resist the natural happiness that could come to us.

Again someone has said, 'Be where you belong.' And you are happy at the place where you belong and that's how you know it. Resisting against everything and enraging an open or silent war is not the choice to make. Let not the negativity prevail, it's not the home. The home is in the green lands with open blue skies with occasional sprinkles to bring beautiful photographic lights and innocent naughty smiles. That’s where it is. That’s how you find your belonging. And that’s how you know it is your belonging.
Be where you belong!
Soon, I hope i too will realize and stop resisting with my belonging.

The Inherent Sorrow

Lately I have started to feel real alone again. There is this inherent sorrow which never goes away. Sometimes am haunted by bad thoughts. This state of mind is driving me crazy. It’s really very depressing and negative. May be am not busy enough that makes my mind wander into the mud of negativity. But when I think of identity that defines me. Is this my identity? Is it this sad?

Sometimes I think about going on that lonely road. The voyage no one ever dared to be up for. The path that is the hardest. The success that takes more pain than any. But why do I imagine it that way? May be because I want to feel something real. May be because I have become numb to the life around me. May be because I am just a hollow drum who thinks that only pain can fill it in.

I have seen people live their lives not thinking much about what they are, what will happen or why they are supposed to be here. Those people are happy and now I can see why. Life isn’t supposed to be this structured. It’s more like a gamble. You can either play along like it is what it is or question that it simply can’t be this way and sit in disbelief watching while someone else gambles your money out. And then you realize that your time is over. The chance gone!

May be life has a meaning but it doesn’t provide with a map. May be we all have a purpose and may be not all of those are purposeful. But what if all this is a mere illusion like those religious texts say. Is it worth doing anything at all then? Is it worth serving the purpose then? What if we die reach heaven and find its illusion all over again? What is real then? Is there any reality at all? What are we supposed to do here? What is my identity here? Why is this existence?

There are questions. There are questions. There are billions of questions and I find myself trapped in them. I feel lost in a giant vacuum of uncertainty and darkness. It’s very lone out here. There are no faces, there is no light, there is no help, there is no sound but there is sorrow. A void filled with deep inherent grave sorrow.

May be I should shut my mind and listen to what one of my teachers used to say “Don’t take life seriously. Take it sincerely.” May be it’s not the answer to my questions but may be it’s the escape from this sorrow.

Cubicals

Today I am writing about offices and computers and how I hate the idea of working in one of them.

Probably I have never spoken of how important freedom is to me. Like air is to body. Anything absolutely anything which keeps my freedom is my greatest enemy, fear and pain in the ass.

I am talking about cubicals. Those partially metallic, partially wooden, well painted glossy cubicals which they provide like in IT companies with computer screens flashing like desperate, impatient satins yet to be satisfied.
Not that I don’t worship any satin but not this one; and so I certainly don’t care about satiating it. Not in my dream. And that is why am not in IT, outsourcing or BPO business. But unfortunately satin has got its foot everywhere. Even in my bedroom! Comfortably exhausting its curses on my bed. Sometimes I wish I just throw it out of the window into the garbage piled up of beer bottles, plastics and polythene wrappers of tiger biscuits. But god satins costly!

I hate cuboids with windows, linux or macintosh ciphered into them. Which look upon human beings as inferior beings by claiming themselves advanced and smart. But unfortunately I live in these cuboids too! Half of me! No wait. More than half except for some strictly natural and irreplaceable phenomenon (thank almighty for that) necessary for survival, all of me in into those boxes I hate. My friends, my family, my privacy… all of it.
I don’t own the satin. The satin owns me!
Just like that cage which keeps the parrot who gets it open for some milk and chapatti but has to spend rest of his life within spelling what master wants, dealing with the phrases that pop up, clicking on the soft wares and feeling like haywire when other parrots fly over. Completely forgotten the native language; completely losing the innate inner self.

I hate cubicals! They are the worst cages ever designed by mankind to keep its own breed. Slowly poisoning them away from reality with virtual world, frustration and aloofness.
No human touch. That’s the worst curse one could have.
And these ugly grey boxes have helped invent these worst form of cubical curses and slavery that human being could have ever devised. To hell with that!
Unfortunately or ironically am spending a lot of time these days in these cubicals and I have gathered that even lizards hate them!

Lizards! Human beings! Lizards!

Yes am equally appalled from head to heart and yes am equally shocked from tongue to toe looking at our miserable lives.

Semester VI

This semester started with a tragedy and it is ending disastrously.
I don't literally remember the last day i had nothing to think of. I don't remember the last moment i breathed freely. Its been so tiring, busy and fruitless that sometimes it drives me crazy.

Like recently in the crushing two weeks of major, we had term paper deadlines, lab tests, vivas, reports, exams, then minor project presentations and together with that i had like a zillion things going on at home and over here. And finally on last day of presentation what i hoped would be the day of rest for atleast 24 hrs, my professor said that our presentation was rubbish and on the same day we got a mail sent to one of our professors about our unprofessional behavior towards internship in Delphi, which by no means was our mistake.

For Gods sake why don't people understand that we are not robots and its too much to take all of this in such a prolonged stressed state of mind. And its really frustrating when you have to bear the consequences of someone else' faults as well.
Sometimes i just feel like raise the middle finger and say it.
Sometimes i think may be life is just playing a game on me.
Well i can't really say for sure what it is, but whatever it is, is not feeling nice.

Sunday, April 26th 2009

It takes 24 hours of literature survey, tens of case studies and six hours of rigorous writing to complete a term paper on rural micro enterprises.

I hope all my effort is worth.

Trust, belief...all is shit

Sometime back my friend, in a conversation, asked me not to fall in trusting people every time. But i can't help it. All the 21 years of my life i have believed that no matter how bad a person might seem to be, but somewhere inside in the rearmost corners of the heart there is a good person waiting to come out and be what it truly is.
I cannot lie i have been literally fucked by this believe so many times that i cannot count. And the thing about these so called friends is that when they fuck you they make it appear like a trivial issue but when you fuck them, they will blow it out of proportions and make a hell out of it.

Not a long time ago i shared some personal information with one of my friend and he screwed it all so bad behind my back that instead of him, i was asked all the questions about the things i never knew about. Well though the matter was really trivial this time but why the hell in the whole goddamn world you have a problem with what i am doing in my personal life and that too when it has nothing to do with you. Well the best thing for me was to ignore and i did it but people just don't seem to stop. No matter how many times i ignore the issues but i know that every damn thing you do changes everything. But people are much more egoist, cynic and selfish than i believe them to be. They just don't care and yeah here is a goddamn fool sitting who doesn't understand anything...who just tends to believe that people are good in heart. I've got sick of this thing...every time...

I am not here with noble ideas to make the world any better a place...all i can do is try to be a better person the way i know what better is. And when i expect something from people it's only because i am human. But if this is what it takes every time then i guess i have had enough. May be there is no good in being good.